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14th February 2013, 01:25 PM
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Join Date: May 2012
Re: Sample MBA Personal Statement Essays

Here I am giving you sample essay of MBA Personal Statement:

Essay One
Paragraph 1

The first few sentences of your original draft seemed too self-pitying. It is essential to begin your essay with something that captures the reader's interest. I have provided a new introduction that illustrates the unique role that the Internet played in your family dynamic.

In addition, it is useful to separate the introduction proper from the rest of the first paragraph. I have provided a strong transition that illustrates the relevance of your volunteer IT experience.

Finally, the new second paragraph that I have adapted from your original text incorporates extensive sentence-level adjustments to improve your diction.

"When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me..."

It is best to omit this detail since it suggests that you failed to appreciate the difficulty of your father's work. See the alternative treatment of this idea I have proposed in the revised essay.
Paragraph 2

I provided a stronger transition to this sentence, which encapsulates your main motivation for pursuing a career in IT. Your original paragraph was a bit too general, so I anchored your assertions in concrete fact to make them more compelling.

"Although monetary reward is practically important in reality..."

This is redundant. I suggest the following: "While monetary rewards are of practical importance..."

"I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person."

This is too effusive. I have provided a shorter version of this idea below.
Paragraph 3

I have improved the diction of this paragraph to make it more compelling.

"I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive."

This construction is slightly awkward. You can rephrase this idea as follows: "I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology."
Paragraph 4

I have adjusted the tone of this paragraph to use a more confident voice. For instance, I replaced the phrase, "the program can deepen expertise," with, "such a program will deepen my expertise." This adjustment is subtle, but it makes a big difference.

Complete syllabus is given in attached file.
Attached Files
File Type: doc MBA Personal Statement Sample Essay.doc (37.0 KB, 68 views)


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